All I can say is WOW. Who knew seemingly harmless resentments (BTW, there is no such thing as a harmless resentment, I've discovered) from childhood could affect my marriage/family today? I certainly didn't.
As some of you know, my childhood wasn't easy. My parents did the best they could with what they had, and they loved me unconditionally. They instilled in me a love and devotion to God that I can only hope to pass on to my children. I never went without a meal, my shoes always fit, I always had clothes and a roof over my head. If I had questions, they got answered, if they didn't know the answer to a tough question (and it couldn't be looked up), we'd pray and ask God for the answer (granted, God doesn't have to explain everything to us, but I don't think He gets offended when we ask). They took (sometimes dragged) me (kicking & screaming, pouting & whining) to Church where we were very active members in regular attendance. We were always pretty poor, and I can remember the shame the three of us felt at being financially less fortunate, but, overall, considering what many people (even in this country) have to go through daily, life wasn't as hard as we thought it was. God, in His faithfulness, always provided.
All that being said, no parent is perfect and God knows, we've all made our mistakes (I know I have! Don't think I've done anything unfair to my kids today, but it's only half past 10 AM...the day is yet young). If I were a normal person, I would be able to let go of the resentments much more easily. But, alas, I am far from being normal (just ask my friends!) and I am so fond of my grudges. I hold on to them as though they are my electric blanket and I am standing in the middle of the Artic buck naked. The surge of anger is empowering. Somewhere deep down, I feel like if I stay angry, I can never be hurt in that way again. The fact is, I've held on to these things for so long that I've allowed them to affect present relationships.
I so despised the traditional gender roles in my household growing up (thinking they were unfair) that I very often dig in my heels and only clean house when I feel like it. Not when my husband asks me (very nicely, I might add) to, but only when it can no longer be avoided. My house isn't gross or unhealthy, but it isn't picked up or presentable, either. Anyway, I only recently came to this realization, and it's been the same fight for 6 years between my husband and I. He and I don't have the same set of roles in the household that my parents had when I was growing up, we are not the same people my parents are, and yet I bristle at the very idea of any man telling me what to do. I really want to get rid of these resentments and let go of the bitterness I'm so jealously guarding, but I'm struggling with my ability to give them up to God. I know this is the Holy Spirit working in me, telling me "it's time", I just don't know the next step to take from here. So, back to my knees I go. I get the best answers there, anyhow.
"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment