Hello, Fear....No, You Can't Come In...

I'm trying something new. My entire life (well, for as far back as I can remember) I have always been afraid. The first fear I can remember having was that my Great Grandmother, who was in the hospital, dying of leukemia, would turn into a monster when I came into the room. I was 4. The next one I remember vividly was that one or both of my eyes would fall out. That was about 1st grade. The next was at about 2nd grade (maybe it was 1st?), and I was deathly afraid of appendicitis. That one lasted for years. At 10...I was afraid of a nuclear holocaust. That lasted for several months, then came the fear that I would get cancer. Some radio show I heard in the car said there was a woman who went to a funeral where the deceased had died of cancer. Someone accepted Christ at that funeral. The person witnessing this wished God would give her cancer so souls could be saved at her funeral. She got her wish. About the cancer, at least, I don't know about the souls. That shook me to my core. At the tender age of 10, I had heard for the first time some seriously misguided person say to be careful what you said/prayed for, because God might give it to you.

As an adult, I know that is completely bogus,and that according to scripture "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." (James 1:17, NIV) and that God has plans for me which do not entail doing me harm: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11), and yet, that fear's never really left me. It changed a part of who I was. I became a walking ball of nerves and fear, worry and anxiety.

I had my first panic attack at about the age of 7 or 8, and anytime I was left with my maternal set of Grandparents, if we had to go out to eat, I would have panic attacks. The panic attacks subsided for many years, until, at the age of 21, I had at least one panic attack a day for a week. I couldn't work, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I went to my doctor and they put me on medications. They worked. I've switched medications a couple of times since then, but even medication can't make you stop worrying. It keeps the panic attacks at bay, and the depression is gone, which is great.

Lately, though, I've been obsessing over a few fears that I just can't seem to rectify. Is this baby going to be REALLY big? Will I need a C-Section? What if I get postpartum depression for a 3rd time? My psychiatrist said he would recommend ECT if that were to happen, so now I'm worried about whether or not he's a hack. My son is having some behavioral issues, and my other one is too lazy to talk unless forced. Is it something I did? Am I raising a sociopath?? I could go on and on, but I won't anymore.

Like I said, I'm trying something new. How about instead of letting my fear consume me, I take control (by the authority God has given me as one of His children) over that fear? How about instead of obsessing over things I have no control over anyway, I just pray about it, and trust that God does indeed have plans for hope and a future for me, and not plans to harm me?? How about I quit talking the talk and actually start walking the walk? How about I take a good look at the Word of God, and receive it as such? It really angers me how much time I have allowed myself to squander away, worrying about things I cannot change, instead of going to the only One who can change things!

Well, no more. I may have to turn these fears over to God hundreds of times per day, but I am not removing Him from the equation. That is what I've been doing, every time I have tried to "fix" things I couldn't control, or worried over things I couldn't predict...I was trying to do things in my own strength, forgetting that He is my strength. He is my peace. He is my joy. He is my source.